TIPS ON AN EASIER LIFE IN MANCHESTER GAY VILLAGE!
1. Make sure you go out in Manchester gay Village or that you are planning on doing so otherwise these tips will mean foook all!
2. Do not be the first to eat from a kebab shop on a Saturday night!! Why?? Cos the kebab meat has probably been left out all night and unless you want to lose 2 stones in weight in a hour due to food poisoning AVOID!
3. DO NOT upset the President of Planet Lesbania, Essential Doorwoman Pam!! If you do then a flying drop kick to the throat might ruin your night!
4. DO NOT tell your best friend that you fancy someone in the Village, cos if you do, they will sleep with them first!! So keep your gob shut!
5. If you see a drag queen on a street corner with hair that looks like a Maoris’ hut and wearing a leopard skin leotard with silver leggings then AVOID them! If you don’t then Rhoda Hoarse, I mean the said drag queen will rob you and you will wake up with a rather nasty rash!
6. If you leave a club and you want to go home in a taxi then make sure the vehicle you are getting into can spell ‘TAXI’!! If it says something like TARKSI or TARXIE on the vehicle etc then you might find yourself being robbed of everything you have by some unscrupulous psychopath masquerading as a taxi driver!
7. If you are underage make sure you know your false date of birth off by heart! Cos if you don’t, then even the dimmest doorman with suss you!! Also if you are a white 18 year old, PLEASE don’t use the ID of a 50 year old citizen of Papua New Guinea! Even Doorpicker John after 2 bottles of vodka will catch you out!
8. DO NOT stuff your bra with blown up balloons and snigger at Essential girl on the till Carla! 36 FF Carla will see through your ruse and attack your false titties with a pin and it will serve you right when you end up screaming with a flat chest for trying to make out that your tits are bigger than Carla’s!
9. If you try and implicate Carla on the till in a sex scandal, citing porn magazines that she reads under the counter then you will come a cropper cos those ‘porn’ magazines are actually ‘Horse and Hounds’ magazines! If you want to implicate Carla, just buy her a crème de menthe and lime and ask her what she thinks of cage fighting!
10. Be careful who you pick up when you are pissed! You might think you are going to bed with a stunner and when the beer goggles have worn off, you might find your self waking up next to Essential Doorpicker John! So BEWARE!!
ESSENTIAL DOOR SECURITY WOMAN, PAM HAS BEEN OVER DOING IT IN THE GYM AGAIN! APPARENTLY SHE WAS HEARD SCREAMING HARDER HARDER, MORE MORE IN THE GYM….SHOWERS:
YES FOLKS, THE WARM WEATHER HAS FINALLY COME TO OLD BLIGHTY AND CANAL ST WAS BUZZING WITH EXCITEMENT …… AND TERRIBLE TANS! FALSE TANS SUN INDUCED TANS AND OH SO TERRIBLE EXTRA TERRESTRIAL TANS! IT WAS A GOOD JOB THAT IT WAS ESSENTIAL MEDICAL BENDER WITH PLENTY OF DOCTORS AND NURSES ON HAND! IT WAS SO GOOD, EVEN TYRA BANKS THOUGHT IT WAS……
I BUMPED INTO DAVID HOYLE AKA ‘DIVINE DAVID’ ON CANAL ST! DAVID IS A SENSATIONAL PERFORMER OF MIND BLOWING PROPORTIONS! CHECK HIM OUT AT:
http://www.duckie.co.uk/
WE HAVE AN ACTION PACKED WEEKEND COMING UP! KICKING OFF THE WEEKEND IS ‘FRICTION’ AT ESSENTIAL THIS FRIDAY. WITH DJ’S THADDEUS, APHRODITE AND ALAN STEVENS IN THE MAIN ARENA PLUS LOTS OF MADNESS GOING OFF!
FRIDAY IS THE MUCH WELCOME RETURN OF ‘SPORTS BENDER’!! SO GET YOUR FAVE SPORTS KIT ON AND GET ON DOWN FOR A NIGHT OF GORGEOUSNESS AND GLAMOUR!! SPORTS BENDER IS FOLLOWED BY MORNING GLORY DOWNSTAIRS AT QUEER BAR AT THE RICHMOND ST ENTRANCE!
SUNDAY SABBATH ROUNDS OFF THE WEEKEND AT ESSENTIAL WITH DJ THADDEUS ON THE DECKS!
SO UNTIL ‘FRICTION’ THIS FRIDAY AT ESSENTIAL, TAKE CARE
CHRISSY DARLING XX
